My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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