He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
True strength comes from lack of pants
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
