You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
