Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
