I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
