Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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