my phone needs a breathalizer
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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