it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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