the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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