I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My liver just had a heart attack.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
