Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
