I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
