Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
