i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
