I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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