My liver just broke up with me...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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