I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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