i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
