Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
