I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
