Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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