yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
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