if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
