What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
