im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
