I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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