I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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