By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
