I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
