i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
