Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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