I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
