turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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