Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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