Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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