I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
