I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
