I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
