I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
