Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
