I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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