Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
