i can't believe i had my finger in that
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
