After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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