i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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