and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
