Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
