when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
did i walk over a car last night?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
