Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
