i permit you to call me
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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